she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
