that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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