don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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