I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just found puke in my bra..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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