I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
