I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
this boner is exhausting
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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