there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
