I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
