no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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