And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
