FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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