I will die if light touches me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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