My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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