you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
