Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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