Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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