You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
