watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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