carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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