im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
