I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
