He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
