he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol