Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.