My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
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If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
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She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??