Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children