Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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