hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
