he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
