Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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