you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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