So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
