I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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