I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
organizing the empties. That sober.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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