Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
