I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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