remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
