i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
