This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
