so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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