I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
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Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
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I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.