The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim