The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.