My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
