She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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