I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
