I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
