So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
