Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize