Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
