But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
