My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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