if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
