I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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