I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
PANTIES FOUND
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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