I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
