Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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