he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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