..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
