I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
