the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
